All That Sky Blue

…..

It’s yet another attempt to get these things inside me
-well, basically in my head I guess-,
outside;
so I can experience them with my senses,
and not just my sensibilities.

I am using this feeble tool of language …
The English one in particular;
I find it to be more impotent than Greek.
Which, I am sure the mother-tongued English speaking persons
would absolutely disagree with!
And, I would not argue with them, either!
I mean, it is quite of a paradox really…
How can I possibly know that to be the truth, when
my mother tongue is NOT the English language.
And, how could anyone
-with the English language as their mother tongue-,
find my «findings» to be untrue,
when the Greek language is not their mother tongue …
Incontrovertibly,
is it not the sentence «it’s all Greek to me» in English,
a phrase used for something that one can absolutely not make sense of ?!? …

– MOTHER TONGUE – : such an interesting notion,
but really…
The English language does not have «female», «male» , «neutral» even, nouns;
yet «mother», is not only female, it is the ultimate female countenance.

However,
there is also the arguement of course, that:
since I find Greek to be more merited,
how come I am not using it to communicate myself in these writings.

I can think of several answers:
– a) what I am saying is not of such potency, and
therefore Greek does not even «naturally come to me» to exercise.
In other words, my «words» are not of the calibre of the Greek enunciation;
– b) English has been the language it was demanded of me to use
-obviously because I was attending
all these different “English Higher Education Institutes
and their courses” and therefore
it became, well, sort of a habit I guess!
In other words, «I am used to write things in English»;
– c) I need to infuse myself outside so badly
that, I go straight for the easiest delivery.
In other words,
I am «desperate to communicate with the outside of me» and
English is, the current language of «communication».

Nevertheless, I am of the idea that the reality
-and not the truth-, of me expressing in English,
is translated according to own.
In fact, this whole paragraph may
be considered absolutely trivial and ridiculous by a person,
and again it is something I unequivocally empathise with.

This is what I wanted to write in the first place,
without all this bloody analysing
(…it does get quite frustrating!) :

It is funny
(I am thinking in both «ha-ha»
-of a maybe more tragic sense-,
and «strange»), how
there comes a day, it just arrives on you, when
you are «not realised as a young person», anymore.
People look at you
and do not see the alacrity, the enthousiasm, the youthful naivity,
anymore.

What happens?
What does happen to us?

I remember being nine years old
and it was a day that there were going to be some activities,
at that tiny little square park opposite «Orpheas».
It was 1979 and UNICEF had declared it «The Year of the Child» …
a new version of memorial practice back then,
(nowadays ofcourse, not even the 365 days of the year are enough) … !!!
That was the reason for the festivities at the park.
I remember going there with my bicycle and
before entering the place, I contemplated…
I said to myself:

– “… enjoy this, cause you are not going to be a ‘child’ again;
this is it;
it is never going to come back …”

I remember thinking this to myself, and being sad.
Being sad for not being content with my «child phase» duration.
Not being content with the content of it, either.
Trouble is, most of my childhood is
more rather than less, a blackout to me.
I can recall certain images, sensations, …
of my Elementary School or, of falling off my bicycle…
Nothing really of a “life”, in regard to family…
I cannot recall feeling a family.

It is all out there!
You are so ready to receive!
Like standing at the bottom of an enormously
(humangous? is that a word?)
stupendous, empty container,
looking up and looking… at the sky!
That sky blue that is so plentiful and allowing!
Then suddenly, one day you realise
you may be looking at the sky still, but
you are not at the bottom of this container.
You are nearly at the very top.
Now you are feeling troubled cause,
where are you going to put all that sky blue

…..

(“Cube” of 2002)

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